When I was a kid, my birthday was a moderately large affair. While I am an only child my extended family is gigantic: three aunts, two uncles, ten cousins, one grandfather, three great aunts and, now, about a dozen second cousins....and that's just on my mother's side.
Christmas in the 80s and 90s was divided up among my mother, her mother, and her sisters. Christmas Eve was spent at my Aunt Sissy's (nicknamed by my oldest cousin who, as a child, could not pronounce "Christine") house. Christmas Day was in Nana's tiny apartment, where we exchanged gifts and ate ham sandwiches. Later that evening we went to Aunt Linda's house for dinner and dessert. My mom, apparently feeling out of the loop, turned my birthday into her version of a Christmas party.
This, obviously, worked just fine for me. 30 or 40 people generally meant at least 15 presents, and since my birthday was just after Christmas people shopped clearances and sales, getting huge discounts on otherwise expensive items.
Yeah, I was spoiled.
In a lot of ways, I still am. I no longer celebrate the extravagant parties of my youth, but I still generally ask for gifts on a whim and usually receive them. Last year I got a new laptop, this year, a new acoustic guitar.
Birthdays used to take on a strong air of significance. People would ask me if I "felt any older", and I would lie and say that I did. Obviously, there's no huge physical or mental change on the day you turn 13 or 14...even turning 16 meant a three or four month wait until I could get a driver's license. People seem to stop asking that question after your 21st birthday, but I think that's when the question can be answered honestly.
I turned 32 yesterday, and I do feel older...older than I've ever felt. My age is now used as a basis of comparison:
- There are kids driving around in cars right now that weren't even born when I got my license.
- There are countless Pittsburghers who do not remember the Pirates having a winning season.
- My step son was 9 when I first met him (and I was 24), now he's 17.
- My daughter was born when I was 26.
- College football superstars were still in diapers when I was playing football in high school.
My wife absolutely hates birthdays. She hates birthdays that are years away (she complains about being "almost 40" when she is, in fact, 33). I think the depression of aging hits females harder. Women are constantly reminded of stereotypes about beauty, sexuality, fertility, and how it changes with age.
Men and women, however, do share that same sense of wasting away the years. Who knows what I could've accomplished over the past decade if I didn't spend so much of it cooped up in my room, in front of a computer. How many nights did I waste on AOL (another concept that makes me feel tremendously old)? Why do I feel like I was destined for great things but settled for something that was easier...less challenging? What would've happened if I didn't waste my full ride scholarship at my first college?
A lot of the times my life feels like a mess, as if it was a jigsaw puzzle and I was forcing pieces into the wrong parts, just so I could say I finished it.
Age isn't just a number...it's a landmark.
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